Radio Silence

I fell off again

The wagon I rode for weeks

But I made my flight

I am sitting on a plane right now. It’s Friday night. It’s 9pm in Winnipeg. Not sure what time it is where we presently are – somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. My children, one lying on my chest, the other next to me in her own seat, are both sleeping.

HALLELUJAH!!! *praise hands*

I’m eating mixed nuts and a glass of some weird Austrian wine. *praise hands again*

I can barely believe I am here.

Four days ago I felt myself slipping. Not slipping. Diving. I dove into a depression. Monday through Wednesday of this week I felt like a zombie. I don’t know if it was the beer I drank on Saturday night (anti-depressants and alcohol don’t mix, ya’ll… but sometimes you NEED a beer damnit! …Or a glass of wine on an international flight during a 14 hour travel day with two children! HA!), or if it was my group therapy session Monday afternoon that triggered the plunge.

Maybe I was just due for a bad few days? I had been on the up and up for a little over three weeks. I knew it likely wouldn’t last but man do you ever forget what depression feels like when you’re feeling 100%.

Those three weeks I felt like myself. And I realized just how much time, hell, how many YEARS had passed since I had fully felt that way for longer than a few days in a row. I am pretty sure it has been well over five years.

Five. Years.

I am now wondering if I should have been medicated much longer ago? Maybe everyone could use a little somethin’ somethin’?! I guess I partly am still coming to terms with this new reality. But that being said I still had a bitch of a time this week. Somehow I made it.

Despite feeling like crawling into a hole the past week Zach and I still finalized our new house renovation floor plans, hired an interior designer and general contractor, did Halloween (because two year olds totally get walking door to door to ask strangers for candy while they’re dressed up in a costume and it’s zero degrees outside), finalized our Will and life insurance and somehow packed and made arrangements for our family to leave for a ten day trip to Hawaii.

All. Of. The. Things.

You know what doesn’t mix with big life decisions / events well?! Depression! Lololololololol <— me laughing like a maniac.

But the world doesn’t stop turning even when mine seems to. Emerson still had preschool, I still had to pick up Jacob’s passport, and call a kennel to book our cat in while we were away so she didn’t shit all over our house in our absence. I did it. I got here. We are on our way to Maui.

I was quiet the past week on here – I didn’t have a spare ounce of energy to create anything meaningful. Or at least I didn’t have the capacity to recognize my efforts as meaningful. I tried to write and it felt hollow and empty. Likely because that’s exactly how I was feeling at the time. Maybe one day I’ll post something from my deep. But not yet.

You can expect periods of silence from me. It’s part of my process right now. I hope to one day build a schedule you can depend on me for. But also – maybe that’s ridiculous and unnecessary…. we’ll see. Bottom line – I didn’t forget about this. Or you. Or me. I am still here. I made it through, and I will again.

Now, I’m gonna go devour my dinner that just arrived here at my seat on this plane. How are both of my kids still sleeping peacefully?!?! Never mind, I don’t even care, I am just going to enjoy it!

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